I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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