Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
