Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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