How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
