it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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