We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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