Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
