My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
