apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
