you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
