I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
