you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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