Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
