Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
