I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
