Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
