Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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