I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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