I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
