Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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