My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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