we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
