Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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