I'm so fucking centered right now
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
