so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone came in the potted fern
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
