Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
