I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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