a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
