He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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