May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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