just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
