I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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