I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize
