we're chasing vodka with high fives
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
