Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
