It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
