The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
