thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
