I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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