Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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