If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
