i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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