The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize