So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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