did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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