I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
