I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
