I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
