I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My Sexting was not on an AP level
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
