My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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