I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
