I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
