Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
