he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
