i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
