I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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