You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
FUCK WHALES
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
