i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
