my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
