At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
