Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
