Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
