You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
